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Oct. 19th, 2005 @ 11:28 pm I am a waste...
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Dave
I am a waste of flesh on my bones ... Dave Matthews

What a fitting quote for me right now. I'm sitting in Grainger, trying to study, but instead of focusing on italian grammer I start updating this stupid thing which I haven't written in for forever! I'm a waste of space right now, but as a whole I have been so productive this semester. My grades are good. I guess that's what never going out will do for you! No I just study a whole lot. It's rewarding.

I am kind of craving a boyfriend recently too... I know it's stupid. I just miss it. Like the dumb things especially, having someone to talk to before you go to bed, secretly hold your hand, cuddle with for hours and talk about nothing... I haven't had that in forever. I especially miss butterflies. Rachel and I were just talking about how we don't remember the last time we had butterflies. It's just frustrating. I really don't like devoting a lot of my energies to this topic. It isn't the most important thing to me. It sounds weird but my sorority fills most of the void of not having a boyfriend. I think it's a good thing I haven't had a boyfriend thus far because the bonds I've formed with my Thetas wouldn't be half as strong. I'm not one to branch out, so I think if I had a boyfriend I would just hang around him because it would be the comfortable thing to do. Whatever, I don't even know why I write in this stupid thing. No one reads it. But it's not like I would want people to see this anyway. I want people to know what's going on with me but not THAT much. WHo knows whats up with me! I do know that I have to stop procrastinating and start studying for Italian! Ah!

Bye
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Jun. 1st, 2005 @ 10:56 pm home
Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: That Elton John song stuck in my head
And I am finally home... what a grueling semester. It's hard to believe I had more fun than I've ever had and I have worked more than I ever have and experienced more than I ever have in just one semester. I can't imagine what the summer has in store for me. It has already been dramatic as far as parties, and hookups, and guys... oh lord how easy my life would be if men didnt exist. Boring, but easy. My room is a disaster. Like literally there are clothes everywhere. This is most probably due to the fact that I havent really unpacked since I have been home but still! I wish it go away magically! I also have an excess of shoes. But I love them so oh well! So i am randomly taking tap classes this summer. Weird I know but I have always wanted to do it! So that should be fun. Here are my goals for the summer:
1. Lose weight (stupid college)
2. Be healthy is other ways as well
3. Get A's in my summer classes
4. Learn audition pieces for next semester
5. Make time to read at least 2 books for pleasure
6. And of course have an amazing tan... that will be the easiest one!
7. Not let a certain handful of people bother me. Life is too short to waste your time on people like that!

SO yea... that shouldn't be to bad right? Hopefully not. I guess we'll just have to see. I'm out for now!
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Mar. 27th, 2005 @ 01:35 am (no subject)
Current Mood: content
      
singing is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator



Singing is definitely love...
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Mar. 27th, 2005 @ 12:37 am Men don't you love 'em?
Current Mood: irritated
Current Music: "Copa Cabana"
It is no secret to women that men can be manipulative, more confusing that a rubic's cube, and sometimes even sadistic. But what gives them the right to treat women like that? And we're not talking about your average college skanks... no, I'm talking about respectable, attractive, and intelligent girls. Most of the time these girls have more going for them than the guys do. Have we really had to lower our standards for men? Or is there just a great shortage a good men out there.

This past semester more has led me to believe the latter. Last summer I was full of anticipation for the upcoming school year. I was expecially excited to meet a guy I could really connect with. I decided I was not going to waste my time anymore on petty relationships when something better could be around the corner. Sounds simple enough right? Wrong. I have now bee without a boyfriend for 8 months. You're thinking not too bad? Well it's an all time record high for me. Not that I really mind being single, it's just that the frustrating thing is that I have not found one person who is worth my time and energy. Yea, I have had crushed but like insignificant ones. Anyway, back to my point. This past semester has been PACKED with what one might refert to as "Guy Drama." It seems as if everytime I pick up the phone, one my friends is crying to me about something moronic that her guy said or did to her. I'm sick of guys hurting girls for no reason. The problem is though, that we LET it happen and sometimes even blame ourselves which is the worst part about it. Think about how many times you've said to yourself or heard someone say "God I'm so stupid, why did I believe him!? I'm so MAD at MYSELF!" Unfortanately I hear them a lot, and what's even worse is that I find myself uttering these condemning phrases. Recently, though I feel as though I've become stronger in these sort of predicaments. Maybe it's because I don't really have a guy, or maybe I just know that there are things other than men that can make me happy. I don't remember the last time I cried over a guy. That makes me happy. However the problem in this situation is not the girls, it's the guys. They can't tell you they want to be with you, spend the night and then not call for 3 weeks. They can't tell you they love you and then go out with another girls two days later, they can't invite you over after not seeing you for a month and then demand sexual favors!!! This isn't right! They can't start dating a girl you introduced them two when the two of you just broke up. They can't kiss you one night and pretend like they don't even know you the next! It's like a fucking mind game! The worst part about it is that the girls blame themselves! It isn't healthy! The "Oh I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up," and then the "I'm so stupid for believing him," and the "this is all my fault," shouldn't be said! They just make you feel like shit when in most cases you haven't done anything wrong!

Granted there are great guys out there! (Hopefully one of them will find me someday ;) I just needed to rant about the bad ones...
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Nov. 24th, 2004 @ 10:20 am home and sick
Current Mood: groggy
Current Music: Dome epais (Flower Duet) from Lakme
Well I'm finally home for Thanksgiving break! I've been looking forward to this for a very long time. Of course, I happen to get really sick after a day of being home. My luck right? Well, thanks to Gia, I have pink eye... which sucks because i can't wear makeup and may have to throw out all my eye makeup, not to mention that my eye is half swollen shut and oozes nasty shit...ewww... to much information. Then I had a fever which is never fun. Now I have developed cold like symptoms. Max called me from NY yesterday after he saw beauty and the beast. He noticed that I sounded sick, and in a very sympathetic max-like manner proceeded to tell me that I have Aids cuz I'm always sick and that I am HIV positive... nice right? But it's true I always do seem to be sick! I think it's cuz i had mono in the beginning of the year and now my immune system is shot to hell! Frustration! I was so excited to go out with my old friends and now I can't. I also really wanted to go back to Benet but I can't do that either! Whatever

I don't really want to go back to school. I don't really like it that much. Everyone says they love it but I wonder how many people really mean it. I do like it but it's just been a really frustrating semester. I know I should feel like everything is going right... but I don't know what it is...

I started the supplemental music application for the music school yesterday. I was really excited to find out that I can audition as late as April 8 because I'll be a transfer student. That give me a lot more time to prepare and get healthy. Lissette just thinks I have like a naturally "Phlegmy" voice, but I dont! I've just been sick. I don't think she knows my full capabilities, which really worries me. I really miss Pat when it comes to my voice. We just clicked so well.

Alright then, I'm off to go eat something... pray i get better!
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Nov. 14th, 2004 @ 10:56 pm missing
Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Mozart 7th Symphony
I've been at school now for awhile. I'm definitely accostomed. I have great friends. I'm in the best sorority on campus. Everything seems to be going so well... but I can't help but feel as if there is something inside of me tht is just missing. I can't quite figure out what it is, but I have a pretty good idea of what it is. For the past 6 years, I have spent day in and day out of my life singing. ANd if I wasn't singing i was thinking about singing or performing. Now I have nothing but one voice lesson a week. My voice has changed so much. I miss Benet, where I could sing in the morning at 7 (as much as I dreaded it at the time) and at lunch and after school. Or when i was in west side story and i would then sing at night too. I took it all for granted. Classical music makes me long for what I had as opposed to inspiring me as it used to. people just don't understand what music does to me. It's more than just a hobby or talent, it's my passion for living. No one can possible understand unless they themselves can share in the rush of emotion while stepping on stage, or the adrenaline rush after coming down from the highest note you've ever sang in your life. When you can move an audience to tears or light up their faces with your talent, when you can take them away from their lives for just a second and make them believe in you, then you will understand how I feel. I have been blessed with an extraordinary talent and a drive and passion to share it and work with it. I just feel like everything I've ever worked for is falling apart. The direction in my life has just been voided. I have to find my way around the inevtiable obstacles life drops at your feet just as you are about to reach the top of the mountain, or hill as it were. I just don't know what to do right now. I can't focus on anything. It is always in the back of my mind. This sucks... I can't live without it... Which, of course could be a really good sign becaue it means that I truly want to do this for the rest of my life but at the same time it makes everything ahrd right now. And i feel like I'm being such a a selfish biotch because of what two of my closest friends are going throug. My mother reminds me of that every day. It's like I feel shitty for feeling shitty. how weird is that? Whatever... I'm sure I'll feel much better after i get my freaking PERIOD! It just needs to come! It has been two months and two days since I last got it! I got it on bid day and now I'm a freaking ACTIVE and I still haven't gotten it. That just goes to show how stresseed I've been. This same thing happened to me every yeaqr durin ghte Benet musicals. I wouldn't getmy period till after the show closed and the I would get it over spring break, which is always a PARTAY! Anyway... I'm going to bed hopefully that will make me feel better... By lovers!
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Aug. 27th, 2004 @ 05:36 pm College!!!!!!!!
Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: "This house is freakin sweet!" - Family Guy
So here I am kids! I made it to the University! I am college! It's pretty crazy if you just stop to think about it. It feels like yesterday that I was roaming the halls of the Academy and now I'm trying to make my way around U of I which is like HUGE! I don't even understand how I can manage to get around here! ANYway... I have mono in case anyone didn't know but I feel fine! Almost like I don't even have it it. I kicked it super duper fast but I still feel like i can pass it on... which sucks if you know what I mean. I'm done with my medication now so I can start drinking little by little which is good... i just really don't want to die or have my spleen or liver rupture which is scary... anyway I'm off to dinner!
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Mar. 26th, 2004 @ 06:37 pm prague!
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: "Dirt off your shoulders" --> Jay-Z
Ok im like freaking out!!!! I'm so crazy excited for Prague!!! It's going to be a amzing! Me and Lizzie are gonna be roomies! and then me jess and katie are roomies! its gonna be a blast! Liz and I are officially the big boobs/ digital camera/ brilliant brunette/ crocheting room!!!! woo hoo!!!! I taught her how to crochet today and she cought on so much faster than caroline did lol! I taught her while we were at Caribou sippin on coffee lol! Alright well im hyper and have not packed on single item lol!!!! GTG!
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Mar. 24th, 2004 @ 05:54 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: "Senorita" - Justin
Ok max is pissing the shit out of me... i dont understand breaks! and im so angry about this whole piece of shit lol!!! whatever ... kyle is so fucking sensitive about everyhting thing i say to him! oh my lord! cant handle life anymore! need a break! Good thig spring break is coming up... and then my pool opens! I'm going to Mr. redwing tonite so that should be fun!!!! Go JACK!!!
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Mar. 23rd, 2004 @ 10:18 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: "Oh here is love, and here is truth..."
I was just thinking about something I forgot to write it here.  It meant so much to me.  After the closing night cast meeting I was touching up my make up and Mr. Wand came up to me.  He came close to my ear adn said, "you're amazing sweetheart.  Remember last year when you were sad and I told you this year would be your year?  You are amazing and it's been so much fun watching have the time of your life."  Then he kissed me on the cheek.  It was so sweet.  I just started bawling all over again.  this year has been more than I could have ever dreamed of.  I feel so blessed!
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Mar. 23rd, 2004 @ 06:07 pm ahhh
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: "All that she wants" --> Ace of Base!!! WooHoo!!!

The musical was absolutely amazing. It's has been everything I ever dreamed it could be and more. There is nothing that I could have wished to have gone differently. I couldn't ask for a better way to finish off my senior year. Everythin was so perfect! UNderclassmen were coming up to me and saying how I was like a big sister to them and how they always looked up to me and that i was a great leader. That means so much to me... more than any role. It's like everything I've wanted since freshmen year. We are the senior class with the best leaders and we are the most loved and it makes me feel so happy! It's everything I've always dreamed of. As we were singing Amazing Grace, I kept thinking about how I felt in Pfeiffer Hall when we did Will Rogers my freshman year... I've accomplished everything I wanted. I can't believe how incredibly lucky and fortunate I have been!!!

I cried so hard at the cast meeting and after the show. I don't think I've ever cried so hard. I can't believe I'm leaving it all. Doesn't it always seem to go that when things are just the way they are supposed to be, its time to move onto antoher point in your life and face new challenges... i guess that's good but so difficult at the same time. I guess that's just what life is all about.

The cast party was super fun! Except for some random incidents that led to Max being mad at me. I feel horrible... even though I shouldn't because we are on a break. But Friday night, I felt so much for him and he says he felt it too. The "passion" had returned I suppose.... but how was I supposed to know how he felt. HE didn't say anything and he didn't kiss me... I guess I made a bad judgement call...

Caroline and Michelle think that he has gotten on a ton a of other girls. I don't believe that but who knows... maybe he has. Care bear thinks he's a shady character and so does michelle. I trust him though. I don't think he's lying to me. I really miss him so much. I don't get the point of this break if we still like eachother a lot. Why not just be together? He wanted to though so I figured I might as well. Plus at the time I didn't even think he liked me anymore. Friday night was just so much fun. We had a great time to gether and it was so nice to see him again... i really miss hanging out with him a lot. Well now he's mad or upset or something at me because of this whole thing and I don't know what to do.... I fucking hate drama!!!! It follows me everywhere!!!!

BTW I just got my haircut and I like it alot. Jackie used a flat iron to straighten it and im not sur ehow I feel about it cuz it's really straight but I do really really like it. I t feels so nice to have short hair again!!!

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Mar. 13th, 2004 @ 12:17 pm hello!
Current Mood: devious
Current Music: Safety Dance!
I haven't been here in so long! I have so many other kinds of journaling to do that online journaling seems insignificant but I kinda just wanted to write in it today.

I really hate drama... not the kind that occurs onstage, but the other kind. However, it just seems like drama of every sort continues to follow me everywhere! Especially when it concerns the opposite sex. Boys! Horrid!

Kyle came home yesterday. I didn't think I would see him until closing night, but I saw him yesterday. He came to pick Brett up from Caroline's. All of the sudden there he was in Car's house and I didn't know what to do! So I just said Hi... you should come down and say Hi to everyone... It was horribley awkward and I just wanted to start crying and i thought I really was going to. I don't understand how this could have happened. He was my best friend in the world, and now we can barely even speak to eachother. I wish I could have changed it and that somehow it could have ended up differently. I don't know what I could have done differently except listen to my instincts sooner...

Then there's Max, who I miss a lot. I hardly ever talk to him at all anymore. It't only been a week lol! But still...

Then of course I have another crush... who shall remain nameless of course. I always have to make things more complicated don't I?!

"Pirates" is going so well! I absolutely love the show! It is just do fun and light hearted. I especially love "Mabel" she is the perfect role for me! I am gonna be so sad when it's over....but i don't even want to think about that right now because I'm going to start crying!

I have to go eat now! Maybe I'll write soon!
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Jul. 14th, 2003 @ 10:42 pm Hey Ya'll
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: "Comfortable" ~John Mayor
So about me not writing in this journal for like EVER! I am kind of afraid that some random person who doesn't even know me will write assinine comments about my entries and I just don't need that from people who don't know me!!!! OK that's my rant... SO IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE FIND A NEW HOBBY!!! OK I'm really done this time.

Anyways, summer is going beautifully. "The Sound of Music" is pretty fun and all. I have a decent part besides the fact that i have to weaar a habit. Haha thats a funny thought

Ther really isn't anything interesting to say... no real drama going on. That's kind of a relief but nothng to gossip about!

I had rehearsal today and it was sweltering! The AC broke in Heineger so it was very uncomfortable... my cast went firstso the last half hour i just kinda sat around and did nothing and listened to jacks philosophy on life....hmmm interesting...

Well I have nothin left to say so I'm gonna go now! Night night!
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Apr. 12th, 2003 @ 12:11 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: "You gotta fight for you right to party" - Beastie Boys

According to the Which Something Corporate Song Are You? Test...

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Mar. 15th, 2003 @ 12:28 pm Fiddler
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: "Grey Street" - Dave Matthews Band
Even though I'm sick I'm still in a great mood. The show opened on thursday! talk about an aweseom awesome day! Carly and I decided that this year is mroe fun than west side story last year! I love my part. It's just incredible everything. People have come up to me and said that i was their favorite character! Thats such a complement considering there are so many amazing people in this show. I don't want this to ever end but i know it will and closing night will be here before I know it. I gotta go take a nap for the show tonite!
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Feb. 18th, 2003 @ 06:48 pm mind block
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: "two joints" sublime
its pretty ridiculous to think about how drugs have shaped our society. think of how many naqmes there are for drugs. take marijuana...weed, grass, joint..... then thre crack, angel dust, PCP, acid, LSD... I've never taken drugs.... I know a lot of people who have. My petpeeve in the world is people who say that drugs are good for you... cuz weed is "all natural" my ass weed contains three times ass many chemicals and tar as regular cigarettes do. Nasty that means it burns three times as bad when you inhale... can u feel the burn???? When I work out i can feel the burn its a good feelings kind of like that bally total fitness commercial that people are saying hpw the brun felt so good and they couldnt sit down. today i talked to heather about chub and how to get rid of the below the belly button problems area... i think leg lifts do the trick so thats a good thing. Jack does the funniest impressions its hilarious hes so good at them i dont even understand i dont think i could ever do that EVER! i dont know what to write about i dont know what to write about.... i sliced my nail open on a book on firday it hurt soooooooooo bad and it beld and oh it was not pretty at ALL... Hurray my mind block is better i think... if there is another article like this in my journal you will know that it only disappeared temporarily!
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Feb. 8th, 2003 @ 08:13 pm A & F
Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: "She Fuckin Hates Me" - Puddle of Mud
Every day of the school week I find myself longing for the weekned. I guess thats what every high school student does. But when it's the weekend I feel like I have to get ready for school. It sucks. Today is Saturday and I have the feeling that I should be doing homewoek. Why can't I just relax and enjoy my days off? ugh...

I hate Abercrombie. I'm boycotting. What the hell their sizes are so out of whack like their larges are the same size as small it like Limited or Gap... I hate those two stores but still. I went shopping at Abercrombie today and I left feeling like I shouldn't eat another meal in my life. I normally fit well into their clothes but today was a totally different story. I tried on this skirt that fit but i could even slightly bend down without my ENTIRE ass showing. It's ridiculous! Do they want the whole world to dress like prostitutes that have holes in their clothes. I HATE ABERCROMBIES NEW SPRING LINE! I'm just disgusted. I am not a large for one thing and I tried on a shirt in a large and it was too small! And I know I haven't gained weight cuz that would explain a lot but I definitely didn't and if anything I've lost weight so screw you Abercrombie!
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Jan. 30th, 2003 @ 07:57 pm long time no see
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: "lifestyles of the rich and the famous" - Good Charlotte
I definitely havent written here in a super long time. I've been so terribly busy its unimaginable. Right now I'm procrastinating the loads of homework I have to soon start. I hate school... well at least the home work aspect of it.

I decided that I really want to take AP Humanities next year. In English today we were studying art from the neo classical period and art just fascinates me. I love learning about it. I hope there is enough interest in the class next year so that I can take it.

The musical is goin quite well I must say. It's really fun, even though last year may have been more fun but it doesn't matter. I have to start memorizing my lines soon. I have most of them down surprisingly which is definitely good.

Well im getting a headache. I should probably start some homework...
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Nov. 20th, 2002 @ 05:24 pm Princess
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "When you wish upon a star, Makes no difference who u are.."

I am Belle!
Which Disney Princess are you?



You are a true bookworm and dream of a life better than the simple, quiet one you lead now. Your good looks can attract the town jerks, but you manage to ignore them most of the time. Sometimes you feel like you're surrounded by idiots. So what are you waiting for? You don't need your father to be kidnapped to get out and see the world. Although you can be stubborn, you're also very compassionate and see beyond people's façades.
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Nov. 7th, 2002 @ 05:35 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: nauseated
Current Music: "Bath Water" - No Doubt
Today was one of those days that felt like a Friday, which sucks because it obviously isn't Friday it's Thursday. I don't feel well either. I ate dinner and now i have this bad stomach ache :( I hope it goes away soon. I don't feel like doing homework. I'm all homeworked out. My big English test was today and I didnt surprisingly well on it, or so I think. Except I put down an answer and then i scratched it out because I thought it was wrong and it turned out to be right! I was very upset with myself. Oh well, whatcha gonna do. We find what the musical is in less than 3 weeks! WOO HOOO! I'm such a big nerd! It's ok though, people like me anyways, I think. I really don't want to start my homework, so I'm just going to talk randomly until I get sick of it.....................
................... OK I'm sick of it. I'm gonna go!
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